I feel like every writer has to learn how to deal with how their emotions affect their writing. But when all I write is about emotions feels impossible. When I am sad or hurt, it is hard to put that aside. I got some transitional stuff written, just snippets and punch up on some scenes. just under 1600 words. not bad, not off track, not the day or the writing day I wanted. I wanted to sit down and write this scene I had in my head with Emerson and Tegean, but I was too tender, too exposed today. My mind wandered too much. The hows and why are a thousand questions I have but will never ask.
I thought a lot about why I am writing this story today and why I want to write romance novels in general. I think it is because there is more to emotions, love, and sex than fluffy fantasy where nothing actually shitty happens and every relationship ends in a happy ever after. Don’t come for me. I love those books too, but I just think that when the genre is as broad as romance, we should explore more sides of it. And maybe at the end of the day, romance readers come to the books to get away from the absolute hellscape that modern romance can be.
I think there is something sexy about people realizing what they want, especially when those wants are not the traditional ideals we are taught about love. All of the romance books I’ve ever attempted to write have a kink. Lots of them have multiple partners throughout the book, or threesomes or polyamory. I think that even within the romance community, there can be some prudish tendencies. I think that novels are a great and safe way for folks to engage in something that may pique their interest but they don’t feel they could ask for, or even know how to ask for. Or in some instances, they didn’t know it existed. They can also serve as great little dirty secrets that you have with yourself, that make you feel sexier at the end of the day. I would like to write books that deal with these topics and have an emotional plot that drives them. The last thing I want is for them to be seen as literary porn. Not that there is anything wrong with porn. It’s great, but there’s not a lot of emotional connection in it. But I think that these kinkier relationships really deserve the care and emotional connection that comes with these acts in real life, not just the weirdly abusive version we’ve seen in some mainstream novels (yes, that is 50 shades of gray shade).
So the writing I wanted didn’t happen, but a lot of thoughts about why I am doing this did. Reflecting on why you create what you create is an important part of the process for me. I think it can be seen as a navel-gazing way to procrastinate. Maybe. I probably needed a reason to procrastinate today, to not bring forth my hurt and longing and sadness into this dream world I am creating. I did spend some more time at The Stacks in North Portland. I really think that place is perfect for writing. I love being surrounded by books and the smell of bacon.
I’ll see you tomorrow
One thought on “You already hurt my feelings three times. In the way only you could.”
I definitely understand. I gave up on blogging and poetry… some of my writing is sensual and it just felt awkward. Especially when people read it and started seeming to like more than my writing.